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Zach: Hi, I’m Zach, I’m a mood killer.* * *Me: Hi, Zach. Thanks for being so forthcoming with that information AFTER you begged me to be your texting best friend.* * *Zach: So, what did you knit me?* * *Me: DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT* * *Zach: ARE THOSE PENIS POTHOLDERS!* * *Zach: You dirty, dirty girl.* * *Zach: I am laughing so fucking hard right now. Thank you for that.* * *Me: You likey?* * *Zach: I likey.* * *Me: I’ll think of you every single time I use them.* * *Zach: You’re too kind. They’re a wonderful gift I doubt I’ll ever receive.* * *Me: Hey, Zach?* * *Zach: Yes?* * *Me: I…I didn’t mean to bring up your mom. I had no idea.* * *Zach: Don’t sweat it. You’re still my favorite penis potholder maker…this week.* * *Me: Is there anything else I should know about you? Any other subjects that are off the table?* * *Zach: I hate clowns and bunnies. That’s about it.* * *Me: I’m sorry…BUNNIES?! How is that possible?* * *Zach: Don’t judge me. I’m sure there’s something weird out there that you’re afraid of.* * *Me: I can’t think of anything like that. Mine is just normal stuff, like spiders and snakes and volcanoes.* * *Zach: Volcanoes…but those are part of nature.* * *Me: So are bunnies!* * *Me: Also, have you seen Dante’s Peak? *shudders** * *Zach: That movie isn’t even kind of scary!* * *Me: YES IT IS!* * *Me: Fine. What kind of movies scare you?* * *Zach: Normal ones, like Alice in Wonderland, Zootopia (BUNNIES), and Pinocchio. And Trolls.* * *Me: Trolls? As in the animated movie?* * *Zach: STOP JUDGING ME!* * *Me: There is no way I’ll ever not judge you now.Zach: I’m so bored. Work is killing me today.* * *Me: I’m sitting in an accounting class. I win in our game of suckage.* * *Zach: Ouch. I bow to your bravery, my fair queen.* * *Me: …* * *Me: Did you just say that? Is your brain poisoned from all the video games? What type video games ARE you playing?* * *Me: Are you secretly twelve? Because I feel like that’s something a twelve-year-old would say.* * *Zach: Who in the world taught you how to socialize? Do you say the first thing that pops into your head? Are you deranged?* * *Me: My mother. Sometimes. Possibly.* * *Zach: You are incredibly exhausting.* * *Me: But still awesome.* * *Zach: And humble. We can’t forget that one.* * *Me: Check you out, having my back and all. BESTIES FOR LIFE.* * *Me: *whispers* But really…did you just say that? Are you still living in your parent’s basement?* * *Zach: Yes, I really said it. I might have fibbed about my video game playing. It’s frequent…obnoxiously so. I tend to play RPG games, but no, I don’t live in a basement. I work in one.* * *Me: Because that’s not still weird…* * *Zach: If it makes you feel any better, I own the basement I work in.* * *Me: Your street cred IS improving.* * *Zach: Oh thank god. I was worried you would never bug me ever again.* * *Me: Wish in one hand…* * *Zach: Aren’t you supposed to be paying attention in class?* * *Me: Yes. Now shut up.* * *Zach: *sends you a thousand cat pictures** * *Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time.Me: Cake, brownies, ice cream? GO!* * *Zach: Yes.* * *Me: NO! Pick one! HURRY!* * *Me: I’m at the store getting ready to check out and I NEED TO KNOW. I can’t decide. Help a cute, hangry girl out, would ya?* * *Zach: How about…a brownie cake with ice cream.* * *Me: I think I just came.* * *Zach: I am known for my skills.* * *Me: Stop it. I’m in the middle of the damn grocery store. Save that talk for later. ;-)* * *Zach: Wait…really?* * *Me: OMG no. Pervert.* * *Zach: YOU STARTED IT.* * *Me: I need you to pick between CAKE, BROWNIES, and ICE CREAM.* * *Zach: Umm…brownies. With chocolate and vanilla ice cream on top. Chocolate sauce drizzled over it. And sprinkles.* * *Me: I hate you.* * *Me: DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT* * *Me: I put it all in my cart.* * *Me: It will be your fault when I fall into a sugar coma.* * *Zach: You can thank me later.* * *Me: You promise to come to my funeral?* * *Zach: And recount all the marvelous memories we’ve had together, including where I gently pushed you to feast upon magical desserts. I’ll lean down to your casket and whisper, “You’re welcome.”* * *Me: BRB, dying.Me: Entertain me, squire!* * *Me: Did I say that right?* * *Zach: Good enough for me.* * *Zach: Would you rather have 1,000 puppies who barked constantly or one who hated you and never let you pet it?* * *Me: What in the actual hell is wrong with you?!* * *Zach: You HAVE to pick. It’s the only rule of Would You Rather.* * *Me: I asked you to entertain me, not torture me.* * *Zach: Tick tock.* * *Me: FINE. One puppy who hated me. Even though it’s the saddest thing ever, I know I couldn’t stand the barking of a thousand adorable, fluffy puppies.* * *Zach: I think that would be a wise decision.* * *Me: More entertainment, stat. I love my roommate to death but she just put on the dumbest show ever.* * *Zach: Which show?* * *Me: Something about boys in trailer parks and propane.* * *Zach: Oh, well, okay then. I was not expecting that answer.* * *Me: I wasn’t expecting to have to sit through this painful show.* * *Zach: Do you want to build a…* * *Me: SNOWMAN. IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE A SNOWMAN.* * *Zach: No. I hit send too soon. Stop it.* * *Zach: AS I WAS SAYING…build a tiny house or an elaborate tree house?* * *Me: Are you literally the devil? Do you have horns and hooves and evil minions?* * *Zach: What did I do now?* * *Me: 1. I have acrophobia, fear of heights. 2. I’m claustrophobic. 3. ARE YOU THE DAMN DEVIL?!* * *Zach: *dies of laughter** * *Zach: How in the hell did I manage to unknowingly hit on your two greatest fears at the same time?* * *Me: Because you’re evil incarnate.* * *Zach: I’m not even sorry. *dies again** * *Zach: Distraction tactic—what’s your favorite kind of cereal?* * *Me: Cap’n Crunch. Hurts so good. Yours?* * *Zach: Lucky Charms. Because just like me, they’re magically delicious.* * *Me: *stares** * *Zach: Fine, fine. It’s Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I just wanted to use that cheesy line.* * *Me: Did you even say it with a straight face?* * *Zach: Hell no.* * *Zach: Okay, what’s one place you’d love to visit?* * *Me: Easy. Alaska.* * *Zach: Are you a winter woman?* * *Me: Kind of. I’m more of a fall gal. I’m slightly obsessed with Halloween.* * *Zach: No.* * *Me: Yes?* * *Zach: That’s my favorite holiday. Ever. Fuck birthdays and Christmas and presents. I want Halloween. Give me spooky and candy any damn day.* * *Me: We’re a match made in heaven.* * *Me: Please tell me you dress up.* * *Zach: I was The Green Arrow last year. You?* * *Me: Belle…for the last three years.* * *Zach: I was the red Ranger for six years when I was younger.* * *Me: I was the pink one for four.* * *Zach: Is this…meant to be?* * *Me: We’ll see.FourZach: You should know I have accomplished approximately zero things today. Like, I don’t even have pants on. Happy Wednesday!* * *Me: You sit around in your house with only your panties on?* * *Zach: I do not wear “panties”, thank you very much. I wear manly boxer briefs.* * *Me: With weird characters on them, don’t you?* * *Zach: How did you know that?* * *Me: I have a brother, remember? Underneath his clean-cut teacher getup is a pair of Marvel underwear.* * *Zach: Marvel? Seriously?* * *Me: You not a Marvel fan?* * *Zach: I’m an X-Men and Deadpool fan. That’s about it.* * *Me: Sigh. Ryan Reynolds. I can get behind him…or on top of him…or underneath. Whichever he prefers.***